I have been an avid reader, mostly of non-fiction related to human behaviour and biological sciences. This reading along with my experience working with organisations has helped shape some ideas, a few of which are documented below.
Others will never fear our strength. They will only fear our weaknesses. Our lack of control, our lack of respect and lack of boundaries.
When I ask young boys "What is the measure of a man's strength?" I often get answers along the lines of "big muscles", "no one messes with you", "they do what you tell them".
These are not helpful measures of a man's strength. I explain that men are strong when people feel safe around them.
If people are scared of you then you are not strong, you are probably a dick.
It is entirely normal to have emotions, this is part of being a human. We can expect to get angry, frustrated and annoyed as well as to be happy, contented or appreciative. Sharing positive emotions is not likely to be a problem, however sharing negative emotions rarely improves the situation for anyone.
This is not to say we should not have emotions! Not possible. It is just to say that we should not make them someone else’s problem, or in other words, we should not behave in a manner that requires others to manage our emotions.
How often do we hear someone (or ourselves) say “You make me so angry”. Really? Other people are responsible for how we feel? I don’t think so.
Generally we all attribute negative feelings to the behaviour of others and positive feelings to our own behaviour.
Let’s say that during a presentation some people in the audience get angry, some bored and some happy. If so, am I being offensive, boring or entertaining? Surely I cannot be all three at once?
Each of us needs to own how we feel. If someone’s behaviour makes us feel angry then often this says a lot more about us than about them. This is something we need to deal with.
It can be confronting to receive corrective feedback "Well, you won't do that again will you! Next time read the instructions first."
It can be just as hard to give corrective feedback. If we are emotional, or don't provide the feedback in a manner that someone wishes, then they are likely to focus on our behaviour, rather than on what we were trying to say.
If we are angry when we talk to someone they will remember that we were angry, but may not remember why. Our message may not be heard.
If we allow ourselves to become angry about a problem, then we generally become the problem.
We can make giving corrective feedback much easier to deliver (and to hear) if we earn the right first. This might be by:
Conceding that we made the same mistake previously, "I remember the first time I got my head stuck between two iron bars!"
Acknowledging some complicity, "Hmm, I did not explain that as well as I could have."
Focusing on the effort, "Good effort, you are going to nail this once..."
By making the effort to earn the right to give feedback and avoiding introducing our own emotions we increase the likelihood that our message will be heard.